Cup Round 1
Lyde Green Vets
No Match report submitted by Golden Hill
Lyde Green Vets Report:
" Lyde Green Vets 5-1 Golden Hill
FA cup 1st Round
After a nomadic first season for LGV which saw us hold home games in 3 different Counties, we finally played a home fixture in Lyde
It’s nice, and I’m not one to moan, but I’m not so sure it’s all it’s cracked up to be. 09:15 arrivals? Putting up the posts? Sweeping down dressing rooms? Staying behind and locking up? Don’t we have a club Groundsman for all this shit? If not, why not?
With a 150 squad members available for selection this week it wasn’t an easy task trimming the list down to just the matchday 14. The management team suffered sleepless nights and early hour WhatsApp messages trying to make sense of it all. Here are a few snippets -
Pellowe - 00:47 – You just can’t play Martin up front. Useless
Lee – 01:26 – What about Mike up top on his own and 3 at the back?
Pellowe – 02:03 - No
Lee – 02:31 - Me and Huba marking, Tokes sweeping up
Carts – 02:45 - Tokes ain’t good enough for that
Pellowe – 03:00 - Got to keep it simple for this lot, Lee
Carts – 00:22 - Just noticed Martin isn’t available
Lee – 01:15 - Thank fuck for that
Pellowe - 03:11 - Do you think Doughtz could go right wing for a bit?
Carts – 04:20 - No mate I need him in the middle to do all my running
Carts – 04:21 - And ball playing
Lee - 03:17 – What about dropping Yan and playing Jason?
Carts – 04:00 - Makes sense. Yan is likely to come back overweight and looking like a hobo so he may need a few training sessions
Pellowe - 04:45 – Yeah, not needed
Pellowe - 16:00 – Lads, been putting off telling you but… I’m out
Cart – 16:30 - Fuck sake Pellowe it’s taken us all week to sort this team out
Lee – 17:14 - 3 at the back?
Carts – 17:14 - No
Pellowe – 17:45 - You’ll have to go RB Lee
Lee – 18:05 - 3 at the back? Got no one to play LB
Carts – 18:18 - We might need to draft Yan in
Pellowe – 18:30 - Lee, poke your head over the fence and see what shape he’s in
Lee – 18:35 - OK
Lee – 18:40 - Are you sure there is nobody else?
Pellowe – 18.45 - Tell him he’s in
Lee – 18:50 - Mate…. you’ve not seen what I have
Cart – 18:55 - Can’t be that bad
Lee – 19:00 - Do you remember Tom Hanks in Castaway?
Anyway, lets get to the important stuff and talk about the game, or in particular Jon’s interpretation of the offside rule. Jon, let me put it to you like this so you can understand –
Imagine you are at work – there is a lady stood at the checkout and has asked her friend to throw her a packet of Hula Hoops – her friend throws her the packet and she catches it. Now, unless there are at least 2 members of staff between her and the till (including the checkout assistant) she will be OFF-SIDE. However, and this is where you need to concentrate… if the packet of Hula Hoops were thrown to her by a member of staff (hopefully for her sake not by you if your throwing is anything like your kicking) then she will be ON-SIDE regardless of where she is stood
So, a clear offside and we are 1-0 down. Cheers Jon. But, despite him, we were back in the game in no time and goals from Ian and a scuffed penalty straight down the middle from Carts had us in front. Doughtz then needed 2 shots to beat the skinniest keeper in the division to put 3 on the board followed by super late replacement Yan firing in a 4th
HT – 4-1
A few HT changes can sometimes disrupt things but on this occasion Lyde were well on top for the majority of the second half despite only managing to score one more. A cross from Jason down the left fell to Dave E who, with a simple tap-in from 2 yards, was talented enough to rifle the ball into the top corner. Quality!
A good all round performance against Division 1 opposition
FT - 5-1
Other important things worth mentioning -
- Pellowe not missed
- Pellowe’s replacement was MOTM
- Tokes was hard as shit taking out the 14 year old
- Lee is a natural RB
- Jordan, Wayne and Tom F owe £1 spectator fees
- Carter wanted all his best bits covered in this match report. Think I managed that
- Millhouse food was decent
- Ian was best at putting the posts up (feel a new role coming on)
- The lettering is falling off my polo shirt
- LG Ultras were out in force
- Lee headed a ball straight into a lady’s face
- Advertisement for match day Groundsman going in this week’s Emersons Voice
- Jon never running the line again
- MOTM – Chris B
- Donkey – Carter
- No votes for Lee for Donkey AGAIN! Definitely on for most improved trophy this year
This was a Cup match so here’s hoping to a good run this season 🏆
I’m not around next week so I am going to nominate Nathan to write the report 🖊📖